That's What He Said! That's What She Said!
by K.S.T.2012
Summary: Comedy shorts, rated M for language and sexual innuendos. Cullen antics. Jokes galore! Correct grammar and spelling, more or less. Cannon pairings.
1. Teletubbie Hell

**This story was inspired by yet another night of insomnia. Thanks shmyshmy! lolz! **

**Basically we all know how it works- he said/she said- someone says something completely retarded and someone shouts "That's what she said!" and everyone bursts out laughing so hard that they start tearing up and bursting blood vessels. So here we go...**

**Settings: Post BD, Cullens are vamps (because it's funny), Q's are wolves (dur), pretty much everyone else is human unless I mention otherwise...**

**Disclaimer: Roses are red, Violets are blue, I don't own Twilight, But neither do YOU! **

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**Chapter 1: Teletubbie Hell**

"God, Emmett! What the Hell?!" Bella shouted as she walked in the back door to the Cullen mansion.

Emmett barely registering her presence, "Huh?" he muttered.

"Why the fuck are you watching Teletubbies? You're a grown man... Wait. How old are you anyways?" Bella trailed off without receiving an answer from Emmett.

Jasper, feeling the hostility eminating from the living room, went in to diffuse the situation, whatever was going on. He stopped as soon as he entered the room and realized what the commotion was. Emmett perched with wide eyes starring at the television. What was more disturbing was the program currently on. "Why can't I look away?" he panicked.

"Quick, Jasper! Where's the remote?! We have to.. turn... it.... off... before..."Bella trailed off. It was too late, she was sucked into the programming too. Without blinking or releasing her gaze on the screen ahead she scooted into a seated position next to Emmett on the floor.

Jasper tried his hardest not to look at the screen but couldn't help the compulsion that he felt to look up. He forced his eyes shut and used his memory of the living room layout to zip through to find the remote control. He found it, and not a moment too soon. Edward had finally come in the back door and finding everyone in the house bunched in the large living room starring at the TV.

"What's going on here?" he looked up and cocked his head to the side. "Why is the Sun a baby's face? Hello? Anyone?" He looked down and saw the hypnotized expressions on everyone's face and laughed. "You should know better than to put it on Public Access channels, Emmett." He yanked the remote out of Jasper's tight grip and depressed the power button.

Everyone shook their heads and blinked wildly around them, taking in their surrounding.

Bella hopped up and threw herself at Edward, he stumbled back at the force of her launch, "Oh my God, Edward. Thank you so much! I don't know what we would have done without you. I don't want to spend eternity in Teletubbie Hell!" She began to dry sob.

"Jasper! What the fuck?! Stop that!" Edward shouted. Jasper hung his head muttering sorry, but not before being interupted by Emmett's booming voice, "THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!"

Bella and Edward couldn't hold back the laughter that threatened to overtake them then. For all intents and purposes, it was true. Alice did say that... more often than anyone wanted to admit.

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**Ya, I know it was short. But you have to admit that it was damn funny! If you don't believe me about Teletubbie hypnosis, try it... you'll be stuck starring until the show is over, that is as long as it isn't part of a Tubbie-a-thon. Because then you're just fucked royal!**

**So, review and let me know how it was. Got any good one's add on? Just say so.**

**Also, if you add this as a fav or alert... PLEASE LEAVE A REVIEW, it's just common courtesy. Thanks!! :D**


	2. Rabbits

**So, I've decided to make this story a series of shorts. Pretty much all post BD, it gives me more characters to work with and I like to stick to canon. :D**

**Disclaimer: I'm poor and I don't own much of anything let alone any rights to Twilight. I just like to fiddle with the characters occasionally. XD**

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**Chapter 2: Rabbits**

Bella and Edward decided to go hunting for a bit. They were walking along a, now well worn, path through the forest behind the mansion.

Emmett, Jasper and Jake were wrestling out back and were still within hearing distance to Bella and Edward.

Bella sniffed the air searching for a lead on a nice meal when she smelled something that had to be small, soft and a vegetarian. A rabbit came to mind and she confirmed this with Edward.

"Rabbit. It has to be... There's a large population around the area. It's too small to even waste the effort on, let's go find something larger, Love." Edward said to his wife, Bella.

"Sure, but I still want to go see it at least. _I love rabbits!_" Bella exclaimed remembering a childhood trip to the zoo where she got to pet a pure white, angora rabbit, the most luxurious rabbit fur ever.

From a distance they heard the loud booming laughter of not only Emmett but Jasper and Jake as well. As the laughter began, a large flock of birds screeched and flew away, scared of the loud noise. Bella and Edward looked at each other in confusion, then Edward must have 'heard' what was so funny because he groaned and rolled his eyes.

A loud voice was then heard, **"That's what she said!"**

Bella sighed at Emmett's immaturity. "He's never going to let this go is he?"

Edward chuckled, "No. Once Emmett finds a weakness, he never lets up."

Shaking their heads nearly in sync, they turned away and caught onto the heady scent of a rather large buck, moose. Their mouths watered and they took off after the scent and promise of warm, thick, blood and large game.

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**I know it was short. But that's sort of what I'm going for. I might try for a longer one later on. But for now, how was it??**

**Any suggestions? Needs improvement? Come on folks! Please comment! Reviews= faster updates. :D**

**Oh and if you don't get the rabbit joke... ummmm. Perhaps, you're not old enough to be reading this..... *wink wink***


	3. Cum Gum

Disclaimer: I don't own "jack"!

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Chapter 3: Cum Gum

Jake was busy munching away at his steak and onions dinner, Nessie was sitting across from him eating her salad with a cross expression on her face. She didn't like that she had to eat human food too to survive. It all tastes about the same... Too dull or too spicy, too sweet or too sour. Nessie had yet to find a human food she enjoyed. And it all smelled akin to rotten garbage.

Alice flitted into the dining room where she knew she could find the two of them. _Attached at the hip_, Alice thought. An omious growl was heard from the living room where none other than Edward was sitting with his wife, Bella, perched on his lap.

"You know I don't like to hear those things, Alice." Edward hollared louder than necessary, but to try to get his point across. She rolled her eyes at his words.

Alice, scrunching up her face at the smell of the food, asked, "Do you two want to do something with us tonight?"

Jake and Nessie both turned to Alice and nodded, mouths too full to answer.

"Great! Be ready in 30 minutes. I'm thinking club casual." Alice said with a wink and she danced out of the room to join Jasper up in her room.

Everyone else in the house- Emmett, Rose, Edward, Bella, Jasper, Carlisle and Esme- heard every word and were also getting cleaned up and dressed.

Almost 30 minutes had passed and everyone was standing in the foyer, ready to get going.

"So, what are we doing tonight, Alice?" Rose chimmed in.

"Oh, I forget not _everyone_ can read my mind (cue eye roll from everyone else)... We're going down to _The Midnight Sun_. They're the only place open exclusivly from dusk until dawn." Alice said in her cheerful bubbly way. Everyone was happy with her choice, it was a newer club that had just opened outside of Seattle.

They had to take two cars now days with so many members in their family now. Carlisle, Esme, Emmett and Rose in the Mercedes, driving lead car with Edward, Bella, Jake, Nessie, Alice and Jasper in their new 8 seater, Jeep, SUV.

Conversation was quite brief in the Mercedes with very little said other than directions being rattled off from Esme. The Jeep, however, was a totally different story. Edward was being tormented by Jake's imagination and snarky comments about his driving. Jasper was messin with everyone's emotions just for the fun of it, Alice giggling along with him.

Jake kept whispering in Nessie's ear but she was distracted because instead of Jake's usual sweet, warm breath, she was being tortured with smelling remenants of his dinner. Ewww! She tried however to be inconspicuous by offering him some gum she kept for such occasions. Edward was chuckling from the front seat, Bella giving him weird looks like he was finally loosing it.

Jake took the gum without question, popping it into his mouth and biting down.

"God! **Jake**! What the _hell?!"_ Alice shouted from the middle row.

"Oh sorry, Alice. I didn't mean to cum on you." to this everyone's eyes bugged out, but not before Bella, trying to be in the moment and funny, chimmed out, "That's what he said." and Edward slammed on the brakes, screeching to a halt. Ahead of them Carlisle stopped too.

Nobody was laughing except for Bella.

"What?! _Oh_! No no no _NO_! Not like _that_." Jake said quickly as Edward already had the trunk hatch open and was dragging Jake backwards over the rear seat.

"Then what's it like, Jake?" Edward said acidly.

Nessie jumped lithely over the seat and landed next to Jake. "I gave him some gum. It was that kind with the liquid in the middle. He bit down and it must have squirted Alice instead of in his mouth." Nessie offered the excuse as fast as she could to save Jake from being torn apart.

Emmett had joined the party at the end of Nessie's explaination. "What's going on?" Emmett said puffing his chest at the sight of Edward putting a quivering Jake in a choke hold.

Edward motioned with his eyes for someone to explain to Emmett what happened. Edward still wasn't buying the "cum gum" excuse.

Jasper chimmed in then, "It does smell like spearmint bro." Edward wasn't paying attention to his brother.

Jake managed to choke out, "It...was...just...gum."

Edward saw the replay in Jakes mind and let him go with a huff through clenched teeth.

"Get. Back. In. The. Car._ Dog_." He snarled out. Emmett knew he was not needed for now and rejoined Rose. Everyone got resituated and they continued their trip.

Nessie was in the back seat again with Jake and they were all snuggled up in each other and thought out loud, "If that's how he's going to be... I'm _freaked_ out at the thought of you _ever_ really cumming."

To which the only reply was heard from the front seat, "Damn straight."

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**So, how was it? Funny enough? Not funny enough? Please review! **


	4. He Sucks!

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything, nothing, nada, Jack Squat!!!!**

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**He Sucks!**

They finally arrived at the club and walked together inside. The hostess smiled at them all and showed them to a booth seat in the back of the club. "Is this big enough for you?" she asked to nobody in particular.

Emmett chimed in with a mock-cough, "_Cough-That's what he said-Cough_."

Carlisle, ignoring his wanna-be comedian son, "This will do just fine. Thank you." The hostess nodded. Everyone took their seats.

"Would you like to see a menu?" the hostess asked.

"Yes, please." she handed out menus to each couple.

"Your waitress this evening will be... Candy." she smiled and walked back to her post at the front door.

Emmett yet again, "_That's what she said_."

"Emmett, could you _cool it_for just a minute. Besides, that game sucks." Carlise chided.

"It's not just the game that sucks, Carlisle." Edward motioned with his eyes, "He sucks, in general."

"That's fine." he paused, "That's what the vamp said." Emmett said with a boastful laugh. To this Rose smacked Emmett on the back of the head. Emmett gave her the pout look while rubbing the spot where she'd hit him.

"Dude! Seriously! Come on now." Edward said exasperatedly.

Just then Candy showed up. "Hi. I'm Candy, I'll be your waitress tonight. What can I get for you?" She began with Edward on the left end of the booth and went down the line.

"Burger."-Edward

"Potato wedges."- Bella

"Jack n' Coke. Jalapeno poppers."-Carlisle

"Water."- Esme

"Chicken fingers. Cherry Coke." -Nessie

"Burger. Fries."- Jake

"Water."- Alice

"Burger and a Coke, Please."- Jasper

"Alrighty, I'll back with your orders in a jiffy." she said in an all too perky voice.

"Really, Carlisle? A Jack n' Coke?" Esme asked, voice full of concern. Sure he's not going to be really drinking it, but it says something about the mood you're in.

"Of course, Sweetie. Why wouldn't I? I've supposedly got like- what- eight teenagers now? I think I deserve a drink now and then." Carlisle joked, placing his arm around Esme and cuddling her closer to him.

They joked and chatted for a bit, waiting for the waitress to bring out their orders.

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**I decided to just cut it off there.. lol! :P**

**I'm soooo evil. I love it!**

**Review! Review! Review! (FYI: I allow anonymous reviews too!!!!)**

**...And always let me know if I've confused you, made spelling or grammatical errors or I just flat-out suck. **


	5. Mystery Hole

**Hello all! I know it's been forever and a day since I've updated anything... I've been extremely distracted with my kids, my hubby's new career and my insatiable lust for reading novels. I think I need to join an addicts club. Oye! **

**Disclaimer: Seriously, I don't own any rights to the characters, just the insane ideas that pop into my head.**

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Nessie and Jake were hanging out in her room after a long run through the woods. "_Oh man!_ I _cannot_ believe I tore my new jeans. Alice is going to drag me off again to get a whole new wardrobe because of it." Nessie said with exasperation.

"Babe, I don't see any tears." Jake said examining her figure from his comfy spot on her chaise lounger.

"Oh _trust me _it's there." She said shimmying the jeans off. The only disapproving adults of this type of behavior being gone at the moment. Nessie didn't see the big deal about changing in front of Jake. They weren't to that point in their relationship just yet where stripping down would mean something other than innocent.

Nearly tripping out of her jeans she finally got them off and tossed them at Jake. "You know how to do patches don't you? Maybe I can get away with it if you can patch it for me." She gave him her best 'puppy dog eyes' look and it worked.

"No problem Ness. Let's see here..." He was uncrumpling her jeans and straightening them out, looking for the offending tear. "Babe, I can't find the hole. Where'd you say it was again?"

Nessie cocked her head to the side and blinked at him for a moment, mouth twitching with barely hidden humor, before bursting out laughing. "I _cannot_ believe you just dead-panned that. Oh, _wow_!" She was going to say more but couldn't get it out due to her insatiable laughter.

Loud clomping steps were heard coming up the stairs towards her room. Jake had an idea who it was before he burst into Nessie's bedroom. "What in the _hell _is going on up here? Why is the door shut? Why aren't you wearing any _pants_, Nessie? And something about a _mystery hole_?" Emmet asked with his voice getting louder and more anxious with every question.

Jake rose from his seat, tossing Nessie her jeans. He held up his hands, not in protest but from the inevitable pummeling he'd receive for their interpreted behavior. "Emmet, it's _not_ what you think."

"Heard _that_ one before..." Emmet muttered and glared at Jake.

"Seriously. Nessie was just going to change her jeans because she tore these on our run earlier," he said, pointing over at Nessie and the offending garment. "She wanted me to patch them up for her. I don't know what else to say... That's_ all _that happened, I _swear_ it."

Emmet looked between the two, nodding his head. "I guess that'll work. But you two _better_ watch it. I came in the house and all I heard was you two up here... _"I can't find the hole..." _Hello? What _else_ am I supposed to think?" Looking right at Nessie now, "I am _not_ going to have your dad rip _me _apart because he even _thought_ I had knowledge of you two _'possibly'_ doing the nasty." He turned on his heel and stalked out of the room satisfied with his reprimand and thinking better of himself he returned to Nessie's room.

"I almost forgot... just as a recap to your '_conversation'_. _**That's what he said**_." Finally satisfied with their bewildered looks, Emmet left them to return to Rose.

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**I apologize profusely for the delay but regardless... What do you think of this excerpt? **

**I make no promises, at this point, for updates. If it happens, it happens... **


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